Imagine this scenario: you're doing pretty well cleaning out your garage when you come across some wood sitting in the corner. It doesn't appear to serve any practical purpose, so what are you to do with it?
You could throw it away, but why exert all the energy required to carry the wood to the curb and wait for the garbage man to pick it up? You don't have time to wait for that shit. That wood's gotta go NOW. And what if garbage day isn't even today? Then you have to wait for the day to actually come to put the wood out with the rest of the goddamn trash, because you know your asshole neighbor will complain that "It's an eyesore" and "Leaving your garbage out four days before pick-up day violates the neighborhood code". And that's even if you remember to take the wood out with the other garbage. Because you know full well that if you don't take care of this problem right now, you're just going to put the wood back in the same corner of the garage and let it sit there until the next time you go through and clean it up ten years from now.
Instead, you tackle this problem the only way you know how. See, you're a man. A lazy, beer-drinking, ball-scratching, heavy metal-listening, man. You more than likely exhibit wanton disregard for the safety and well-being of everyone around you, and probably don't pay your child support in a punctual manner. You're going to combine all your favorite hobbies and interests into one fun activity that all your family and friends can get involved in! Gather all your gasoline, matches, cardboard, and old newspapers... IT'S TIME TO BURN SHIT!
Bonfires are incredible fun. You get to light shit on fire, stand around, listen to music, and watch your dipshit friends duel each other with sticks dipped in the fires of Mordor.
So how do you go about this endeavor? First, you need to obtain a fire pit or some other contraption to let the wood burn in. Preferrably, this fire pit should be your neighbor's that you borrowed 3 years ago and have no intention of returning. And when your neighbor asks for it back along with his pressure washer, paint supplies, and pretty much every other tool in your garage, just tell him you'll get around to returning it, then throw a beer bottle at him. A glass projectile aimed for his forehead should really stress the point to your neighbor that you have every intention of returning his posessions as soon as you're done with them, which will be approximately never.
Now that you've assembled the necessary materials, just put the wood in the fire pit, breaking the pieces down as necessary, soak 'em in gasoline, light a match, and torch the fucker! Of course, YOU aren't going to this. That's why you're going to call all your friends who you don't owe money to to come over to your house and do it for you! That way you can all enjoy the fire together. If you followed these instructions, your fire should look something like this:
Beautiful. A work of art. But you know what would make this bonfire better? BIGGER FLAMES. That's the second rule of building bonfires-- you can never have flames too big. Whatever it takes to make the fire bigger, you had better be doing it. You could start this process by putting in the wood paneling from the cabinet that has a coated finish on it. You'll start to notice that the smoke burning from this wood is thicker, and makes the air around the fire harder to breathe. It might even be unhealthy to be around the fire when this smoke is blowing out, especially with the aid of the wind. You SHOULD be concerned, but you won't be. That fumous cancer being unleashed in the atmosphere is giving the air character. The neighbors should be THANKING you for degrading the overall quality of air around them. Besides, we're all gonna die someday anyway. Let's all suffer a horrible, disease-ridden, drawn-out death TOGETHER.
If you're still not satisfied by the size of your fire (And you never should be) you can build on it by getting that huge slab of wood and draping it over the fire pit so it catches fire and creates a HUGE fire. This piece of wood is too big for one person to handle, though. You're gonna need some help.
Look at that. You're building teamwork among your friends! (Remember, you shouldn't be volunteering to help out with any of this still.) Did you know that people look at teamwork building as a good leadership quality that helps improve the community? You could put that on your resume! (You could, but you won't, because that would mean you're about to find a job, and you've made yourself a comfortable lifestyle collecting unemployment, a lifestyle you're not about to change anytime soon.)
But whoa, how's that big-ass slab of wood going to burn? If anything, won't it put the fire out? Ahh, grasshopper. You have much to learn. See, the laws of physics say that if it can burn, IT WILL BURN. Or something like that. Observe:
It's burning from underneath! If done correctly, your recklessness will cause the flames will eventually burn through the wood and open up...
THE HOLE TO HELL! HURRY! Kill all the demons and evil spirits Satan hath unleashed upon the Earth before they vanquish mankind and begin to carry out the devil's rule!
After you have slayed all of Lucifer's minions, and you've burned the last of your wood, you can reflect on a night and a bonfire that accomplished many things simultaneously: successfully disposing of your wood; drinking all the alcohol your friends brought over because you told them this was a BYOB event, even though you clearly had enough beer in your fridge to supply everybody with; giving everybody on your block lung cancer because of the fumes from burning old newspapers and wood with lead paint on it; and having the police stop by your residence without starting a brawl like you normally do when they come. Stand proud, sir. You can rest easy tonight after taking down 40 beers by yourself and knowing that a good time was had by all watching your refuse burn to ashes.
Hopefully your neighbor doesn't come around asking for that kitchen woodwork you said you would paint in exchange for letting you borrow his fire pit you wanted to use for a quiet get-together one cool autumn evening...
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