mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Yung Humma.
Yeah.
So, I hurrd it’s somebody’s birthday today! What? Your birthday was two weeks ago? Man, that don’t matter. When you ride with tha Jeep, e’erday is yo birthday. You think that Wiz Khalifa and his Taylor Gang roll like we do? Black and Yellow ain’t got shit on the Jeep. The Jeep would run his ass over like the Grave Digger plows through a sedan. And all Wiz talks about is smokin’ dope. We rap about real shit, like getting’ down with yo gurl, making booty calls to get down with yo gurl, and dancin’ with yo gurl so you can tap into dat sex syrup later. You know, real deep stuff. Anyway, today is a great day to celebrate! But before you can fully appreciate your birthday, I feel like you really gotta understand yo roots. Understand where you came from. Ya feel me?
Being that you just turned like, 11, you probably haven’t gotten “The Talk” yet. So I’m going to take it upon myself to tell you just exactly how you originated. Contrary to popular belief, you were not delivered onto yo parents’ doorstep by a stork, nor were you magically conjured out of thin air. See, when yo daddy met yo momma, he knew that she was the woman that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. So after smashin’ and bangin’ it for a while, he locked that shit down. Then, one morning, he popped the fateful question to yo momma: “Fried or fertilized?”
Now, I know, you’re thinking, “Humma, what does that mean?” Well, lemme break it down for you, since you’re too ignorant to pay attention to my beautiful lyrics. When yo daddy said “Fried”, he was talking bout breakfast food. You know, scrambled eggs, bacon, a bowl of Froot Loops. Humma loves him some Froot Loops. Maybe even some cheese grits. But when he said “Fertilized”, well, he was talkin’ bout the eggs between the legs! It’s a very simple concept I spell out for you in the second verse of my song, so don’t make me fucking repeat myself again. So, they got it poppin’ again, round five, you know? They made a beautiful synchrony of love, what with his french toast stick and her cleavage cake and all. And as a result of this love, a life was created. Nine months later, you was born! I think there was some biological shit I left outta there, but that’s basically the gist of what happened. Man, I should teach sex ed in the public schools!
[Door flies open]
Flynt Flossy: Yo yo yo what up. It’s ya boy F-Dot-Flossy, aka Flynt Flo-Double, aka Charlie Murphy. But you can call me Flynt Flossy. I don’t really have anything to add here, I just feel like it’s my God-given right to make an appearance in every entertainment production that Turquoise Jeep makes, because I founded this empire and I can do that. Ya feel me? Yeah, so go out, get it crackin’, and always keep yo belt handy. Nothin’ says love like “You’re outta line, go get my belt so I can set you straight.” That’s what the guy who looks like a computer repairman is always sayin’ anyway. Oh, and happy Bar Mitzvah, or whatever you’re celebrating.
Yung Humma: Wow, that was beautiful Flynt. You really contributed a lot to this sequence. Anyway, to commemorate yo date of birth, I wanted to bring you something that came straight from the heart. Which is why I am personally delivering this gift to you that I made all by myself. That’s right, I drove the Jeep all the way up here and placed this gift right here for you to have. I’m like Santa Claus, only better, because I’m pretty sure Santa Claus can’t Smang it like me. Also, I spent 5 hours at this high-end club down the street called Joe’s last night getting’ my Smang on. You better believe that sorority gurl wanted her eggs fertilized this morning. So happy burthday, Mark with a “C”. Please accept this gift as your official indoctrination into Turquoise Jeep Records. This is a much more distinguished honor than being in a frat or some stupid honor society. The only favor I request of you is that you represent the Jeep proudly. Don’t do that dumbass Dougie dance. Cali Swag District? Child, please. The Jeep would run them over. The Jeep fertilizes eggs; those jokers toss salads. They got nothing on us. No, whenever you go to tha club, I want you to Smang it with every gurl in there. If they’re not welcoming to your advances, then kindly suggest to them to grab yo belt. That’ll set ‘em straight. And always, ALWAYS, ask if she likes her eggs fried or fertilized. Because if you don’t, that’s just rude.
KEEP THE JEEP RIDIN'
[This has been a Tummiscratch Beat]
No comments:
Post a Comment