Ryan Seacrest: Good evening everybody, this is Ryan Seacrest live from the E! Newsroom with a special report…
There have been rumors circulating throughout Hollywood and the tabloid media that singer Rihanna and rapper Drake are together in a relationship now. These rumors have accelerated and picked up a lot of steam in the last week after Drake joined Rihanna live onstage in Montréal on her LOUD tour to perform their duet, “What’s My Name?” and after the two were spotted at several locations together in the city of Montréal. Rihanna and Drake were even spending time together alone in Drake’s hotel, which led many people to believe that a serious romance was developing between the two. However, in a report handed down to the E! Newsroom just moments ago, Rihanna’s camp has DENIED all of these rumors, stating that the two are not in a relationship, and that they are just “Great friends.” Meanwhile, Drake released a statement saying “WHAT?! I SPEND ALL THIS TIME WITH YOU AND YOU WON’T EVEN SAY WE’RE AN ITEM?! SHE PLAYED ME! FUCK THAT BITCH! WE’LL SEE JUST HOW MUCH WHIPS AND CHAINS EXCITE HER WHEN I PUT HER ON A FUCKING MEDIEVAL TORTURE RACK!!”
We here at E! News may have taken a few liberties in reporting Drake’s statement. But honestly, how much journalistic integrity can you expect from a network that exclusively reports the sexual escapades of Ice-T and Nicole “Coco” Austin? Excuse me while I hurl at the thought of visualizing that.
That’s all we have to report for now here at the E! Newsdesk. Keep following E! News for more details in this developing story. We now return to your regularly scheduled programming. SEACREST OUT!
[Jeep Door flies open]
Yung Humma: HUMMA’S BACK BABY!
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
Ay! It’s yo boy Yung Humma a.k.a. Humma Naysh a.k.a. Yung Heezy a.k.a. Hum-Daddy b.k.a. Your Girl’s Favorite Pizza Boy!
I see you Rihanna, with the way you move that body, and your firey new hair and those delicious outfits you be sportin’. I’ve been listening to your songs, watching them videos. I know what you want, boo. I know what you NEED! Anybody listening to your music should be able to pick up that you are a woman who has been left unsatisfied. Especially you, Drake. You got it all misconstrued, brotha. Part of your problem is that you associate yourself with Young Money. Young Money? Pfft. You may make beds rock, but can you get those eggs cookin’ on the stove as well? YOU AIN’T READY FOR THE RECIPE IN HUMMA’S BOOK. Besides, how can you not know how to please your supposed woman? She talks about her desires in the chorus of the song you two sing together!
♫ I need a boy to take it over/Looking for a guy to put in work, uh/Oh woah oh woah♫
I heard the two of you were spending time alone in your hotel room, Drake. What were you doing up there? Might as well been watching paint dry. Lemme tell you something though, Rihanna. I ain’t gonna leave you feeling empty like that. Ask any gurl who’s ridden front seat in the Jeep. They’ll tell you!
See? THAT is the look of a satisfied woman.
And how can Drake be so oblivious as to not pick up on the message you’re trying to convey in your song, Rihanna-gurl? I know that feeling. I sometimes feel like people are too ignorant to understand and comprehend my song lyrics too! We already got something in common! I can see the sparks flying on this relationship already. But I’ve been listening to your songs. I can hear in every verse, every chorus, every WORD that you just lookin’ for a man that’ll fulfill your yearning to be pleased. Lemme break it down for you all:
♫ So when you're ready let me know, know, know./Come on and what you’re waiting for, for, for./My engine's ready to explode, explode, explode./So start me up and watch me go, go, go♫
Oh damn, baby. DAMN! I’ll rev that engine. That’s where Humma shines! Gurl, you ain’t even known what pleasure IS until you’ve ridden the Jeep.
♫`Cause a girl like me/Is just a lil' different from all the rest/And a girl like me/Never gonna settle for Second Best ♫
I know you special, Rihanna. I’ll tell you that every morning. After I ask how you’d like your eggs prepared, of course. But I know you need affection, too. Sure, any guy could waltz in, attempt to please ya, and walk out the door first thing in the morning. But how many of them will tell you you’re beautiful? That you are special, and mean the world to them? I would. And I would know exactly the right words to say. Haven’t you heard the verse I sing in the song “Sex Syrup?” I’m like a goddamn poet the way I put words together.
♫Please, just cut it out/Don’t tell me you’re sorry cuz you’re not/Baby when I know you’re only sorry you got caught♫
The pain. The anguish. The betrayal that’s left you with an indescribable sorrow in your soul. I can feel the hurt in your voice, Rihanna-baby. And I understand your concerns with me, touring on the road, being tempted by throngs of questionably legal girls who are throwing themselves at me after I serenade them with my soul-stirring musical masterpieces at our shows. But fear not! I could never cheat on you. Not when I know that my boo as at home, all alone, missing me and wondering when I’m gonna come back and cradle her in my loving arms.
♫The coulds are rollin' in/because I'm gone again/and to him I just can't be true/[Bridge:] And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful/and it kills him inside/To know that I am happy with some other guy♫
Uhh, yeah, we’ll just ignore that lyric. Besides, we all know that once you ride the Jeep, you’ll never want to hop off!
♫Want you to make me feel/Like I'm the only girl in the world♫
And this, right here, is what makes Humma a cut above the rest. It’s obvious to me that these other guys just ain’t pleasing you the way Humma-Boo can. Lemme take you through a night with ya favorite pizza boy, or what I like to call, THE BEST FUCKING NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE. I’ll start the evening off by picking you up at your place. And yes, I will be ridin’ the Jeep. Is that even a question? After sipping on the top-shelf liquor Mickey’s, we will make our way out to the club. I know of this really hot club near Chicago called “Zero Gravity.” Slick Mahoney’s little brother said that “Anyone who’s anyone at Jane Addams Middle School goes to Zero Gravity!” so I’m taking his word for it. Being that you are a young and wealthy starlet, I’m sure you will be concerned about your safety and security going out in public with a high-profile individual such as myself. Let me lay your fears to rest by saying that we will be riding out with my entourage in order to ensure that nothing comes between us and having a good time.
No one fucks with the Jeep... AND LIVES.
Then, once we get to the club, you better believe that Humma’s gonna be smangin’ on ya ALL NIGHT LONG. If that doesn’t get you hot, nothing will. But it will, so I don’t need to worry about that. After 6 consecutive hours of straight smangin’ it, we will go back to my crib, check to see if my parents are asleep, and GET. IT. POPPIN. Humma can go all night, too. You can go 3 rounds? I can go 4. When we wake up in the morning, I’ll pop the question that’s on everybody’s mind: Fried or Fertilized? And since you’re my girl, I won’t even need to explain what that means, because you understand me. Our eyes will interlock, and the two of us will feel the magic in that one special moment in my bedroom. Then we’ll get it poppin’ again. ROUND TEN BABY!! Then maybe I’ll treat you to some waffles and cheese grits. Humma loves him some cheese grits.
♫Come here rude boy boy can you get it up?/Come here rude boy boy is you big enough?♫
Bitch, please. I ain’t even frontin’. [Smangs it]
It’s not entirely the fault of Drake or the woman-beater or any of those previous guys you were with that they left you unfulfilled, though. Sure, they may have spent time with you, treated you to a nice meal, and bought you expensive clothes and flashy jewelry. But those things ain’t gonna bring you that satisfaction you so badly desire. Humma will take care of you though. I’ll hit all the spots that they missed. Just for kicks, let’s take a gander at one more set of lyrics.
♫cuz i may be bad, but i'm perfectly good at it./sex in the air, i don't care, i love the smell of it. ♫
Kinky! I like that!
♫sticks and stones may break my bones/but chains and whips excite me.♫
wtf? Ok, that’s a little bizarre, but it’s nothing Humma can’t handle.
♫now the pain is for pleasure,/cuz nothing could measure/s s s and m m m♫
Ummm…
Yeah, on second thought, you can keep her Drake. Unbeknownst to me, Rihanna is FUCKING INSANE. I don’t want to have to worry about waking up bound and gagged in the morning with all my shit stolen. I’ll stick to my Smangers at Zero Gravity, thank you very much. At worst, all they'll try and do is pickpocket me.
KEEP THE JEEP RIDIN’
[This has been a Tummiscratch Beat]
