Wiz Khalifa Celebrates Unofficial! (February 28th, 2011)

Oh, man.

Oh, shit.

Oh, good god, I am fucking DRUNK!  And I mean, DRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-UNK!  Shit!  How the hell did I get this drunk already?  It’s not even 1:30 in the afternoon yet!  Wait, maybe it’s because I started drinking at like, 7:00 am this morning. 

And last night was crazy too, man.  Got fucking SMASHED, MAN!  Pretty sure I was still drunk when I got up this morning.  And I’ll probably still be drunk when I go to bed tonight.  And when I wake up tomorrow morning. 

Oh my god.  OH SHIT!  Yo, I just thought of an amazing lyric:

Wake up drunk,

Go to sleep fucked up.

Dude, that’s fucking brilliant.  I’m a goddamn lyrical genius.  Shit, all I need now is a sweet beat to steal that I can spit my flow over…

*Recalls music video he saw earlier in the week*

HOLY SHIT.  Genius.  You hear that shit right here?  That phat beat?  That’s fucking street, homie.  I’m keepin’ it real with this sample.  Hell yeah.  I deserve another drink for that.

*Chugs can of Keystone*

Oh, speaking of keeping it real and blatantly stolen beats, FUCK WEEZY.  FUCK WEEZY AND FUCK THOSE GODDAMN CHEESE-HEADED FUCKS IN GREEN BAY.  What the hell is Lil’ Wayne doin’ reppin’ fucking Green Bay for anyway?  Isn’t he from that Nawlinz or some shit?  Green Bay ain’t street.  Wisconsin isn’t ‘hood.  Ain’t no motherfuckin’ black people in Green Bay except for B.J. Raji and Charles Woodson.  Is Donald Driver really even black?  Fuck that, I don’t think so.  If Weezy pulled up in Green Bay like I roll in Pittsburgh, the fucking residents would run for their lives and get their torches and pitchforks because they’ve probably never seen a black person before, let alone know what rap music is.  At least black and yellow looks thug.  And way to rip on ya fellow New Orleansian Ike Taylor.  Go back to jail and drop the soap some more, punk.

Motherfucker, I need to get my mind off that shit.

*Shotguns can of Four Loko*

Goddamn, I look fly as hell.  Look at me!  All these white kids around me are wearing green and shit, while I’m over here lookin’ stupid fly with my flat-brim Pirates hat, Crosby jersey, designer jeans, and Air Force Ones.  Yeah, I’m bringin’ Air Force Ones back, muthafucka.  I make that shit look better than Nelly can, because he’s from the S-T-L and I fucking hate that town, mostly because it isn’t Pittsburgh.  Speaking of Nelly, you know what I haven’t done in like, half an hour?  Smoke some weed.  I don’t think I’m high enough, even though I’m currently incapable of moving out of the spot I’ve been sitting in for the past three hours because of all the drugs and alcohol I’ve ingested today.

*Smokes blunt, chugs another Keystone*

Whoa.  Damn.  SHIT, MAN!  I feel good.  But I ain’t feelin’ this apartment.  Or am I in a frat house?  Shit, where the fuck am I?  And how did I end up around all these white people?  Is there a reason they’re all running around, wearing fucking Packers colors, listening to my dope-ass single on repeat and doing a terrible Dougie?  I need to get out of here.  Time to find a new environment, to be around people more like me.  You know, people who got swag, like me!  YEAH!  I’ll wander around for a bit, see what’s around.

*Walks north up 3^rd Street, sees Niro’s Gyros*

HOLY FUCK.  GYROS.  I’m so goddamn hungry.  I gotta get all up in dat ass right thurr.

*Spends three hours in Niro’s, walks out with five pounds of food*

Shit!  They got everything in that place!  It’s like heaven!  I couldn’t decide on just ONE item!  So naturally, I ordered 3 of everything, and 2 gyros.  This shit is gonna be amazing.  And the people were so nice!  Except I don’t know why everyone kept calling me Kid Cudi.  You think Kid Cudi could get all inked up like this?  He’s from Cleveland, for one, so he automatically sucks.  And second… second… uh… shit, where’d my train of thought go?  This couldn’t possibly be the result of drinking beer and doing smoking Kush for the past 10 hours.  I think I was talkin’ about… HEY, LOOK!  SHINY BLING!  Damn, I could look at this shit all day.  It’s so big and shiny!  Look at this watch.  Shit, it ain’t even have hands or numbers on it and shit!  Just diamonds!  And I can buy stupid shit like this because I’m stackin’ mad duckets!     

*Wanders further north, past Springfield Avenue, encounters townies*

Townie: What the FUCK you doin’ round these parts, punk-ass BITCH?!  SKINNY ASS, TATTOO-HAVIN’ ASS BITCH?!  THIS IS CENTRAL ILLINOIS!  AIN’T NO STREETS MO’ DANGEROUS THAN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MUTHAFUCKIN PRAIRIE STATE!  WE REP HARD!!  WE TAKIN’ OVA!!  *Draws boxcutter*

Wiz: Oh shit.  Shoulda stayed and partied with the Wonder Breads in that apartment.  *Lays down on bench*  Mmm, I’m gonna sleep and think of some more dope beats n shit.  Yeah, make another million n shit.  Yeeeeah…. Taylor gang… Go to sleep fucked up… Burn after rollin’…*Passes out*

Townie: The fuck?!  HOW YOU AINT GON’ STAND UP TO THA STREETZ?!  *Calls friend over*  YO MARKUS, CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!  LETS REPORT THAT WE ASSAULTED THIS MUTHAFUCKA, SO THE FIVE-0 SEND OUT ONE OF THOSE CRIME REPORTZ N SHIT SO WE MAKE THOSE SUBURBAN PARENTS CRAP DEY PANTS AGAIN!  FEAR THROUGH INTIMIDATION, BITCH!  WE RUN DIS SHIT!!!  *Does “Lights out” dance*